Simkiss in the Closet

The whole philosophy of the McCarkiss Elite Project has been thrown into turmoil after the ‘Kiss in McCarkiss’ has turned into a ‘wet and sloppy one’.

The 6th of September sees the inaugural BMC Track 10k festival up in Manchester, with the promise of the event being streamed live on the internet and a high quality field. McCarthy is joined on the start list by friend of the project Harvey Speed as well as ‘arch enemy’ of Simkiss, Andy Slavery.

When the MCKEP logistics director got in touch with Simkiss to arrange which corner he wanted to be picked up from in Southam and whether he fancied stopping at Hilton Park or Stafford South for his pre race poo, no-one was prepared for the sickening, vile and disgusting answer that came from his mouth. ‘I’m doing the Southam triathlon that weekend instead.’


A triathlon….

No seriously,


I know, I know, no-one could have guessed what a weak and cowardly excuse of an athlete, no a human, Simkiss is. In recent weeks it has been rumoured that Simkiss is currently in hiding due to a poor run of form, opting to try shorter and more focussed training reps as opposed to long and monotonous training miles, an approach strictly against the club mantra based on Ron Hill’s ‘long, hard road’. The MCKEP pairing were caught ‘boozing’ until the early hours in Rugby on Friday, a valiant attempt to pass their form off as economically sound, by surrounding themselves in people who seemingly still walk on all fours. (No offence is intended by the inference that the local Rugby resident who is in Lloyds at 3am on a Saturday morning is a Neanderthal, it is rough though).

There were signs this was coming. In the early hours of Saturday morning, Simkiss was elbow deep in his own ‘Gin and Curry flavoured vomit’, having taken out the early drinking pace at Phil Gould 5K pace only to find himself asleep in the home straight. McCarthy junior, joining the official project night out and being from the north having never seen someone who throws up after drinking too much was appalled. McCarthy tried to shield him from such inferior manliness but it was too late. McCarthy junior, presuming Simkiss was a southern softy, asked him straight out, ‘are you a triathlete?’. Simkiss, looking embarrassed and ashamed, quickly changed the topic of conversation to engineering, grabbed a pint of mild and started leering at women.


Simkiss (R), hiding his tendencies well.

Trawling through the MCKEP email for traces of other ‘triathlete-like behaviour’ such as receipts for bottles of poppers or subscriptions to readers digest, a reply was found to an email originating from Simkiss (under his pseudonym Bitchard Thumbkiss) to  ‘Stonewall’, asking if they could offer any advice to anyone in the ‘closet’ and whether they could offer any support on coming out.

Dear Bitchard,

I am deeply sorry to hear that you are having to live a lie and masquerade as something you are not, this is the 21st Century and we thought that the modern man could now be who he wants to be without fear of prejudice. We can’t offer anything more than say, what you are is not wrong, you were born like it, you need to be yourself and stop practicing your lifestyle behind close doors for fear of scrutiny from others. Tell people what you are. You are a triathlete, stop pretending to be a runner.



Messages of condolence would probably be pouring in from around Wawickshire, if we had asked for them, we presume they would have read….

Kyza Derby: “This has made my day, those peachy peaches will look so nice in Lycra. I have always said he could be a model, did you know I am a model?”

Stuart Hopkins: “They walk amongst us, I have dabbled myself. Some cognitive corrective therapy worked for me which involves electric shocks whenever you see pictures of men in lycra.”

Dr Ron Hill: “I am disgusted. He has clearly identified the fact that he will never surpass his previous standard so he is taking the easy option and doing a stupid poncy sport for fat blokes in lycra with loads of cash. I thoght he was supposed to be getting married, next he is a triathlete. Doesn’t add up.”

Rich Shepherd: “We will welcome him with open arms, in the last race there was 898 of us and we all walked away as British Champion in one category or another so we will have to see what he fancies winning in Southam.”

Chris McCarthy: “I had an incling because he can’t handle his ale, but he has never really showed any tendencies around me, apart from being born south of Stoke. I want nothing to do with him anymore.”

The project will now be recruiting a replacement for Simkiss with the current favourites being identified as Hywel Davies (McCarvies Project?), Stuart Hopkins, (McCarkins Project?) and Andy Buckingham (McCarkingham project). McCarthy was quick to point out that all three potential pairings have been known to dabble in the world of lycra mincing.



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