‘McCarkiss Elite’ Drafted in to Progress British Athletics

McCarkiss Elite Project announces with exultation its involvement with the English Institute of Sport. From thousands of potential candidates, the McCarkiss Elite Project athletes Chris & Rich, were (not) head hunted specifically for a cutting edge training program and scientific study investigating how kinetic energy from wobbling thunder thighs and bouncing bellies & moobs can be recuperated and transferred into forward momentum – improving athletic performance.

In order to ensure the pair were in appropriate shape for the initial assessments Simkiss supplemented with Canadian Maple Syrup, whilst McCarthy played it safe and hopped over the Atlantic opting for a tried and tested ‘Stout Loading’ technique synonymous with Irish athletes men. This was confirmed a success at the assessment weigh in, where record runner weights since the elite project’s inception were recorded.

After structural checks were made to the equipment and the duo were warmed up – Team GB Athletes were ousted from the assessment room before the MCKEP athletes got underway; presumably due to risk of abdominal injuries to the Olympians that may be sustained whilst laughing so hard at the McCarkiss pair.

McCarthy stepped up to the plate first – his vast experience with constricting masks and little pricks made him the preferred candidate for the first assessment… a sub-maximal physiological test, starting at an easy pace, increasing the pace every 3 minutes with a small prick in the ear between each pace change which provided a good specimen for examination… apparently they were measuring blood lactate concentration. Once it started to get a bit hard, McCarthy was brought to a halt and it was Simkiss’ turn. Simkiss did the same thing – only worse.

The second assessment was a maximal test… the “run ’till you drop” big balls test… McCarthy up first again was running blind, no benchmark information to reference against – just a treadmill set to 16kmh (~6:00/mi), and a gradient that would increase by 1% every minute.

Simkiss stood watching all the stats, figures and graphs, pretending to have some idea what they meant and work out whether Chris was winning. After 6 minutes McCarthy’s race form was showing, his back hunching and arms raising into a stance more associated with the Jurassic period than cutting edge athletic science – McCarthy muscled on and impressively managed to push himself for a total of 7:40, where the gradient of 8% finally cracked the MCKEP number 1.

Continuing the theme of 2014 – Simkiss was second. After an initial surge required to keep himself on the treadmill at 6:00/mi and 1% gradient, Simkiss settled into a rhythm for a few minutes. With McCarthy’s 7:40 in his mind… Simkiss had a target to aim for – 4:30 in and that target was looking doubtful… by 5 minutes he was running hard and by 5:30 he’d reasoned with himself that if he could hang on to 6:30 then he could throw the towel in.

By 6:15 Simkiss was committed to a sprint finish… except it’s a treadmill… so you can’t speed up, meaning a few more seconds could be ground out. A new deal was struck… 7 minutes would be far less embarrassing, and despite a mountain of discomfort it came around far quicker than expected. Oodles of encouragement coming from the test operator spurred him on to 7:15 – which then felt so close to 7:30. Form was out the window, with a prominent forward lean and bend at the waist – head rocking and shoulders rolling, Simkiss was blowing harder than he ever had before and McCarthy was capturing it all on Camera.

>> Video footage is now in with the editing team and will be available in the coming days.


Weaving from side to side, a blurry last few seconds saw the stop button come into action as the timer ticked over to 7:41. This means nothing. Results are of the assessments are due Thursday which will undoubtedly warrant another blog post.

The pair cooled down on campus, ruminating over what could’ve been had they attended Loughborough University. Thoughts now turn to McCarthy’s achilles which has flared up after the first session of the program – Chris’s personal MCKEP doctor has him on a strict rehabilitation routine of ‘more running’ in order to see him through.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *