Having spent nearly three years exiled in the Middle East, the inspirational performances from the likes of Simkiss, Hywel and Hatswell over the weekend of the 2018 London marathon may have been enough to push former McCarkiss athlete (still the fastest founder member of McCarkiss over the
undisputed half marathon distance) out of retirement.
It may have been enough…..if it were not already for the fact that one other inspirational story had already broken and caught the attention of McCarthy. The inspiration of course came from the two ‘plus size models’ (a greater irony, there cannot be) that apparently ‘breezed’ (an Audi R8 ‘breezes’, Chris Boardman liked ‘to breeze’, a Daihatsu Tanto still gets you from A to B but it doesn’t breeze), through the London Marathon on Sunday, in a time of, ‘inspiration’.
Being a plus size model himself nowadays, McCarthy totally agreed with the sentiment of Bryony Gordon (fellow plus sized ‘model, author and marathon runner) in her pre-race interview that ”as a curvier lady, I love leggings. They’re just so… stretchy”. On a serious note, whilst McCarthy & Simkiss used to regularly share a standard Vaseline 500g tub of pube laden lube (pubiseline) for around 12 months at a time, current body composition numbers are resulting in around 100g’s of lube per month, even with a new fully lycra clad running style.
It is physically impossible to wear proper running shorts anymore, they just sort of get sucked up between your thighs and then create a sort of bummy bollocky ball of material which takes around 5 minutes to cause heated chaffing that could spark a forest fire.
The logic of McCarthy’s return to running is questionable given the heat in the Middle East is currently ranging from around 30 – 40C. Commenting on this, McCarthy said,
‘it’s quite hot’.
Having had numerous failed returns to running over the past few years due to various injuries (which are still unresolved due to an ingrained attitude to avoid any type of strength, conditioning or yoga) it is undoubtedly only a matter of time before this latest farcical comeback breaks down.
Our plus sized model last raced back in 2016 over 5k in Bahrain, finishing in 17:59 (not technically true, a 10k a week later was aborted after 9.8k as the time was far too shameful….a time which would actually be grabbed with both hands today). It’s a lengthy three years since the Edinburgh Half, which is incidentally another half marathon which is quicker than Simkiss.
The target – Boston 2019. Or at least a qualifier that would get entry, or a ‘BQ’, as it is irritatingly known in running communities around the world. So far there are roughly 6 McCarkiss athletes who have decided to try and get the qualifying time for Boston. The crazy entry process means running a certain standard, on an approved course, at a certain time of day, which has been blessed by a certain fella, from a certain cult. In typical McCarkiss contrarian fashion, the skin crawling terminology of a ‘BQ’ cannot be mentioned from this day forward, so for the purpose of our athletes they will be solely focused on running the ‘confirmed uncontested necessary time’ standard, they are effectively all looking for a ‘confirmed uncontested necessary time’ before or around the 12th of September. ‘Operation CUNT2018’, is born.
Discussions of where the attempt will be made are still ongoing but the training is already underway.