Exclusive: Radical ‘New’ Dietary Approach

Following the recent release of MCKEP physio Paul Andrew’s paper on a ‘Ketogenic Diet’, an opposing paper has been drafted by the McCarkiss laboratory based in Albufeira, Portugal, home of the European Cross Country Champtionships. We have a certain, Hugh Jardon, in Portugal and he has managed to catch up with Raul P’Andreau, the Chief MCKEP Portugese Doctor of running related sciences and stuff, to obtain this exclusive leak of a radical dietary approach that he has been undertaking with Richard Simkiss.

 

A Radical ‘New’ Dietary Approach  (Stools, Lou; Jardon, Hugh 2014, p. 1)

Following months of detailed research, we are now two months into a revolutionary ‘new’ diet. Despite having masses of weight to lose, Simkiss is now half-a-stone heavier than he has ever been, post swingball. His energy levels are consistent and hunger is never an issue. His training is on an upward swing and we are excited about potential future performance advantages, maybe even catching up with McCarthy. He hasn’t had a day of illness, despite frequent exposure to coughs and colds, and he is feeling positively healthy. Admittedly there is absolutely no science behind that last statement. Added to a range of other noticeable benefits, his wife to be has noted he is less flacid, as well as a confidence that he is drastically ‘changing’ the risk of a host of chronic diseases, we are sure that we have found a different nutritional approach for life.

So what’s the approach? Known as the Ketamine diet, in essence it is an eating plan designed to switch from standard food as a primary fuel source to horse tranquilsers and other illiegal drugs. This restores the balance to disrupted energy metabolism by sending the individual on a massive anesthesia based trip. From this switch cascades a range of potentially dramatic health benefits. There is evidence for improvement in obesity as you are so off your tits you don’t eat for days. There is also probably evidence to suggest a raised risk of cardiovascular disease, cancer, Alzheimer’s, epilepsy, acne, autism, ALS, Parkinson’s, Huntington’s and mental health. That said, you will be so high you will not give a toss nor will you live to an age where that type of thing matters.

For endurance athletes, the potential personality and performance gains are exciting. A typical very lean athlete is usually quite boring, not indulging in excessive consumption of booze or drugs (noteably not in the form of cocaine or marijuana) and generally believing that there running is actually going to lead to some sort of meaningful ending. It won’t. Heavy drinkers store a maximum of 2000 calories but perhaps 40,000 calories in stored fat around the gut, heavy marijuana users consume an extra 500,000 calories per annum in ‘Nik-Naks’ and Doritos. Heavy Cocaine users on average have a net calorie outlay of -5000 per day.

Developing the ability to effectively tap into this reserve means even the biggest wreckhead (an important performance-limiting factor) could potentially win the London Marathon, reduced respiratory demands are an obvious by-product but the research recommends smoking water based bongs to reduce the impact on the lungs. Access to a more efficient fuel (Ketamine, Heroine, LSD, MDMA) is much easier on the ‘Marathon Majors’ circuit where inner city gang culture tends to mean that access to hard drugs is much easier. The research highly commended both the Colorado and Amsterdam organising committee’s, who run a space cake party alongside their pasta party. Pre race use of Ketamine in the form of a gel may also lead to a decreased need for refuelling during competition due to appetite suppression. As the Ketamine diet is powerfully anti-inflammatory, it offers potentially improved recovery rates and may even guard against the negative health consequences of being a runner (no charisma, personality or social skills), important in the light of recent suggestions of an elevated ‘loneliness’ of the long distance runner, for example.

So is this really such a new approach? Absolutely not. In the sixties this was mainstream culture for having a good laugh and the treatment of diseases such as diabetes (as it is once again in forward-thinking Amsterdam). Evolutionary and anthropological evidence suggests that this is our natural state, being off your face, only disrupted by the recent addition of common law and the Tory party. What is new is the last fifty years of nanny state advice based on profit from taxation of booze and fags. A look at rates of obesity, diabetes, coronary heart disease and cancer during that period will tell you how successful this approach has been.

Who will benefit? I suspect around twenty percent of the population are blessed with genes that allow them to have a dabble in hard drugs. Benefits for these individuals will perhaps be limited. If, however, you struggle with hunger or to manage your weight, or you have a high risk of any of the conditions listed above, then I firmly believe this approach is for you.

All you need to get started is an open mind and a walk round the streets of Coventry on a Friday night looking for some gear. Why not give it a go?

 

 

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