Autumn Marathon Campaign: The Matrix


In one of the most high profile pieces of scientific research since the use of the Large Hadron Collider, the McCarkiss Elite Project are pleased to be able to announce their next project and more importantly how it was selected.

Deep in mid January when it became clear Operation Big Smoke was quite literally going to go up in smoke, the project engaged with pre-eminent pseudoscientist, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to plot their attack on Sub 2:30. The highly knowledgeable group then drew up a complex matrix and began to analyse 456 different marathons, carefully pushing the stats through the number cruncher like a butcher filling a sausage skin. The matrix includes an interesting criteria ranging from elevation and average rainfall to local pubs and traffic.

The three front runners were clear. Nottingham, Bournemouth and Chester were the main leaders and the data below demonstrates where each race excelled. After 5 hours of intense debate Nottingham was disqualified on technical grounds due to the fact it has a huge ‘Hooters‘, but given that the project will be travelling with family to this race it would be a wasted opportunity. Nottingham, Hooters, you will have your day, in this life or the next.

Talking of not getting any hooters for the rest of your life, it is of course to be the last marathon attempt for Simkiss before he is wed. With that in mind we are happy to announce that this training block will be called.

‘Operation Prenup: it’s not too late‘.

With the Simkiss Stag doo lodged deep in the middle of the training block it will be down to MCKEP hill expert, Pete Matthews, to make sure that no fitness is lost during the weekend. With that weekend, his imminent wedding and the hectic months leading up to the wedding it looks like Simkiss has really tried to mirror the approach that McCarthy took to London by making his life as complicated as possible to make training for ‘Operation Prenup’ as difficult as possible.

With the scores on the doors and the chest firmly shut on Nottingham (Hooters..chest…) it was down for Bournemouth and Chester to bid for the presence of MCKEP, with everything pointing to Bournemouth and the contract all but signed a last minute memo from Chester reminding McCarthy that his parents live down the road, guaranteeing extra on course support. The race organiser also promised to throw in two ‘Blueberry Muffin Cocktainls’, the drink that sent the MCKEP athletes running around a London bar in joy, repeatedly asking the barmaid what this ‘blueberry muffin-like cocktail’ they were drinking was called.

Marathon Selection Matrix      
Name Bournemouth Chester Robin Half
Date 10/5/2014 10/5/2014 9/28/2014
Cost 47.95 44 (until 31/08/14) 36
Elite Entry Top Club’ <2:40
– Free Entry
– Front Start Pen
Front start pen
dedicated toilets
post race buffet
Free Entry + more (time dependant)
Average accommodation costs 62.89 56.45 15.89
Number of CAMRA pubs 11 15 6
Baby friendly activities 6 7 4
Shopping facilities for partners 5 9 3
Irritability of accent 9 4 10 – Awful
History of natural disaster 6 – Coastal issues 8 – History of war 7 – Robin Hood territory
Potential traffic on way home 4 – Cut through Oxford 1 – M6 is nasty 10 – Local
Policy on dog fouling 5 – Postal fine 10 – On the spot fine 1 – Allowed
Total Ascent m 297.5 250.5 240
Total Descent m 323.5 243 245
Main course Direction 15% E, 70% W, 15% E 50% S, 50% N 25% W, 50% E, 25% W
Average October Wind 8.5 7.5 10.5
Min October Wind 2.5 0 4
Average Temp 12 11 10
October Rainfall 90 70 60
October Humidity 85 85 85
Prizes 1 – £2500
2 – £1500
3 – 750
4 – £250 voucher
5 – £100 voucher
1st      £1250
2nd     £750
3rd     £500
4th     £250
5th     £150
6-10th     £50
1st: £500
2nd: £350
3rd: £200
Time Incentives? £100 sub 2:29
£200 sub 2:27
£300 sub 2:25
£400 sub 2:23
£500 sub 2:21
£750 sub 2:19
£1,000 sub 2:17
£1,500 sub 2:15
£2,000 sub 2:13
£2,500 sub 2:11
£5,000 sub 2:09
Course record
2:21:42 = £750
Sub 2.20 – £2,000
Sub – 2.22 – £1,000

One thought on “Autumn Marathon Campaign: The Matrix

  1. Frankfurt is where it’s at boys. Packed field and loads of groups to latch on to. Hopefully no gale force winds like last year!

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